


Forgiveness.

by StormyBear30



Series: Emotions [4]
Category: Adam Lambert - Fandom, American Idol RPF, Kris Allen - Fandom, kim allen - Fandom, neil allen - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 05:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4089280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Forgiveness.

White and cold, that was all that Kris could see and feel all around him as he sat staring out the window. Technically it wasn't cold inside but he had felt nothing but coldness in his heart every since he had boarded the flight from Los Angeles six weeks earlier and went into hiding. “You know no matter how long you stare at it its still going to be snow, this is Alaska after all” He heard his mother speak beside him as he turned to face her, a gentle squeeze on his shoulder before she sat down beside him. 

“Yeah” He replied with a half smile as he turned his eyes back towards the window. 

“You know when you invited your father and I to visit you in Alaska I thought we might actually see some of it” She teased as she reached out and took his hand. “Our week is almost up you know” She reminded as she looked out the window at the white starkness. 

“I know and I'm sorry” He sighed, getting up off of the chair and walking over towards the roaring fireplace. He didn't think that he would ever feel warm again as he knelt in front of it holding his hands out. “I'm sorry that I disappeared for over a month and then made you fly into the arctic tundra when I called you in a fall down mess. 

“Kristopher…you are my son and you didn't make us do anything. I was so worried when you just disappeared like that after what happened with Adam but at the same time it's what you do when something terrible happens in your life” She said as she turned in her chair to face him. 

Kris couldn't argue as he recalled the few times that he had just disappeared from the world when life became to much for him to handle. The first time was right after high school when he had tried his hand at producing his own first album and failed miserably. He had joined the Peace Corp without telling a soul only alerting his family where he was by a single letter nearly a month later. It was two years before he came back home, married Katy and started his Idol journey. The next time was when his marriage came to an abrupt end when he finally accepted the fact that he was gay, despite many years of denying it. Everyone blamed Adam at the beginning due to their close friendship while on Idol but the truth was Kris knew he was gay at quite an early age yet refused to live the lifestyle out of fear. Technically Adam was the reason he ended his marriage to Katy because the attraction was instantaneous and he knew he couldn't live with the lie any longer. After his commitment with Idol he fell off the grid yet again but only for a short time because he could no longer deny the feelings he held for Adam. It hadn't been easy at first because Adam had been dating a TV personality from another country and Kris refused to be the reason for a relationship ending, but Adam had other ideas as he broke up with the man a few months later and Kradam became real. 

“How long are you going to keep hiding this time?” She asked cautiously, her heart breaking at the amount of pain staring back at her when he turned to look at her. 

“I don't know…maybe forever” He replied jokingly but the sob that quickly followed it proving it was anything but. 

“I'm so worried about you Kristopher” She said with tears in her own eyes as she rushed across the room and pulled her son into her embrace. “You don't eat…you hardly sleep and most of the time all you do is stare out that window in your own world. I'm so afraid that you aren't going to bounce back from this one. Maybe you could give Adam a call and try to work things out. It's obvious that you are still in love with him”

“He's the love of my life and I'm always going to love him” Kris replied with no emotion as he pulled out of his mother’s embrace. “The problem is that I can never forgive him” He said nothing else as he walked away because despite the fact his mother had dropped everything to be with him he needed to be alone. 

He had never felt more alone and depressed in his entire life as he sat and stared out into the snow once again from his bedroom window. He had mistakenly thought that he had accepted the fact that extracting Adam from his life after his betrayal was the right thing to do but he wasn’t so sure anymore. He hadn't been lying when he told his mother that Adam was the love of his life, he had pretty much known it from the moment he had laid eyes on the impressive man and it had only gotten worse the more that he got know him. He knew it was going to be hard to forget him but he hadn't expected it to feel as if his very soul had been ripped from his body. With a sigh he picked up his lap top, booting It up and waiting to to do the one thing he swore he wouldn't do, yet found himself doing every day. Tears glistened in his eyes at the headline he saw before him once the home page had come into view.. 

HAS ADAM LAMBERT FINALLY MOVED ON SINCE HIS BETRAYAL OF FORMER BEAU KRIS ALLEN. 

The Former American Idol runner up was seen early yesterday morning working out at the gym with a hot unknown man. Sources close to the singer/actor say that he's tired of dealing with the stigma of cheating on his former boyfriend and American Idol winner Kris Allen and has decided to move on. After their work out the two were spotted having lunch and seemed to be much more then just work out buddies. 

His cell phone was In his hand and a number on speed had been dialed before he really knew what he was doing. “Well hello Kristopher” He heard a familiar voice speak. “I'm sure you are calling about the newest topic of the day” The voice went on sarcastically. “They really do make such a lovely couple don't you think and Wylie is such a sweet and amazing man” Kris felt as if the air had left his lungs as he silently continued to hold the phone to his ear. Tears bled from his eyes as his already self mutilated heart died a bit more. “They would make a fabulous couple if only Adam wasn’t still completely in love with you” He fell apart in that instant not caring in the least that Brad could hear every heart breaking part of it. “Kris you obviously still love Adam so you need to make the decision if you can forgive him and move on or do you continue to live your life in misery”

“I know” He rushed out breathing so heavily at the pain in his heart. 

“He devastated and feels as if he will never love again but the truth is Kris that at some point he will move on and find someone else to love “ Those words hurt more than Kris wanted to admit as he ended the call and crawled under the sheets of his bed where he cried himself to sleep. 

“Mom wanted me to check on you” Kris heard his father say as he looked over at the clock on the end table and noticed several hours had passed. “She made dinner if you are hungry”

“I'm not” Kris replied softly as he attempted to roll over, a hand on his arm stopping him. 

“We need to talk son” Neil Allen said as he sat down on the edge of the bed giving his son a look that dared him to not listen. “I'm going to tell you a story and I want you to listen until the very end” He said as he placed his hands in his lap and took a breath before speaking. “Many years ago your mother cheated on me” He began as he took another breath before starting once again. 

Kris was stunned at he sat forward and listened to how his dear and sweet mother had cheated on his father. It had happened well before they were married and despite the fact that they had gotten into a fight and broken up prior to the cheating it was apparent to Kris that even years later it still hurt his father very deeply. The fight had erupted when Neil had told his them fiancée that he was planning to join the military and she had opposed quite adamantly. Numerous fights had ensued with neither of them willing to back down and so the break up had occurred. Neil hadn't found out about the betrayal until several days after it had happened after he had practically crawled back to his love ready to beg for forgiveness, running for the door when she reveled what had happened. He had vowed to never forgive her as he joined the military has he had planned and prepared to live a life without her in it. Several years passed while he served his tour and yet there wasn't a single day that he didn't think about her. They had run into each other after he had moved back into town and he found out that she was engaged to be married to a former classmate of there’s. He went on to tell Kris it was in that instant that he realized that he was still head over hills in love with Kim and was determined to do everything in his power to get her back. It didn't take long to convince Kim that they belonged together as just two weeks after running into each other again they ran off and eloped together. 

“Your mom knows that I'm telling you this story but don't think for one second that I will tolerate you judging her. We were both young and we both made mistakes but what matters is that we were both able to move past it and we've been happily married ever since” Neil scolded with a looked that Kris knew meant business. 

“It still hurts from time to time though doesn't it” Kris ventured to ask despite the warning. “I could see it in your eyes when you started telling me about it”

Neil debated lying to his son but as he looked at the broken man before him he knew he had to tell the truth. “It still hurts” He confirmed. “But its more of a dull pain because the love I hold for her is more important then a stupid mistake made years ago. So you need to decide Kris if you can move past the mistake that Adam made and live happily ever after or will you continue to allow this pain to control you and be miserable for the rest of your life”

“You act as if I'm not allowed to be devastated by what he did. You do remember that he cheated on me with the man he broke up with to be with me” Kris yelled as he threw the covers aside and jumped off the bed because he couldn't believe that his father seemed to be taking Adam’s side. “I can't just forget what he did because the fucking images are burned in my mind forever. Jesus…I'm your son so you'd think you would be on my side”

“I am on your side” Neil replied in anger as he got up off of the bed and stormed over to where Kris was standing. “But I saw that video so I know that Adam was out of his head when that happened”

“You…you watched the video” Kris stammered in shock. 

“Yes but only after Adam called and explained what happened before apologizing to us for hurting you” Neil explained as he guided his son back towards the bed and forced him to sit down. “I was so angry when he called because I couldn't believe his nerve but then I started listening and realized he really didn't do what he did on purpose because he was completely devastated. I went online and looked up the video and there is no denying that he was drunk or high and had no idea what was going on around him. You said the images are burned in your mind but did you really look at what was happening. I totally believe that he was drugged by that man he broke up with and then he had someone video tape it so he could get back at him or maybe even you. Either way I don't believe that Adam did this to you on purpose. That man has loved and worshipped the ground you've walked on since day one. Yes…you've had problems while together but I know you Kris and I know whatever issues you had with Adam you kept them to yourself because you didn't want to upset him” 

Kris kept to himself in that moment that the reason he had never spoken of those issues wasn't because he didn't want to upset Adam but that he was terrified that Adam would come to his senses and leave him. Years later Kris still didn't understand what Adam saw in him. They were polar opposites in every way, including their music and yet Adam still seemed to love him despite it. Closing his eyes he allowed a few tears to fall before he opened them again and looked up at his father. “I fucked up” His voice wobbled as he wiped at his eyes. “He tried to tell me that he was drugged but I couldn't look past my pain to see that he was telling the truth. I have no idea what I need to do to fix this or if he will even care enough to let me try”

“I think that we both know that that boy will forgive you for anything” Neil said as he laid his hand on Kris’s shoulder. “You just need to make sure that you can forgive him and not make him suffer every time something bad comes up. I forgave your mother a long time ago and as much as it still stings when I think about it,not once have I ever thrown it in her face in anger. Adam made a mistake and yes it's a huge one but he doesn't need to be reminded of it constantly if you decide to be with him” 

“I know it was a mistake and I want to forgive him but I don't know how. How were you able to forgive mom and not think about it all the time?” Kris asked because as much as he did want to forgive Adam he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to move past the pain. 

“I thought about what my life would be like without her in it. I thought about how it would feel to see her married to a man that wasn't me and that pain was worse then the original pain. I knew there was no way that I could live the rest of my life without her in it” Neil explained as he got up and moved towards the bedroom door. “You need to decide if you can move past this and if you can't then you need to let him go permanently”

Kris’s heart froze at that last word, his breath frozen as well at the idea of never seeing Adam again. His head swam at the thought of another man realizing how amazing and wonderful he was, at the idea of never being able to hold him or kiss him again. He knew in that moment without a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't be able to live in a world where Adam Lambert wasn't part of his life. Without a second thought he sprung from the bed and grabbed his guitar. The words and the melody flowed through him so easily that before he knew what had happened he had a fully finished song that expressed the very depths of his love for Adam. The next morning found him on a plane headed back to California and the man he had left behind. 

Kris was a nervous wreck as he pulled up to the gate of the gated community he had shared a home with with Adam. He held his breath as the guard walked up to the car certain that he was going to be told that Adam had banned him from entering. “Hello Mr. Allen” He heard the guard say with an actual smile. “I'm glad to see you back. I've missed talking sports with you. Stop by anytime and we can catch up” He continued with a smile as he pushed a button on the side of the building. “Have a good day” He said with a wave as he stepped back into the small building. 

“I will…thanks Bill” He waved back as he slowly pulled the car forward hoping and praying that Adam would take him back so he could come back and have that chat with him. You can do this” He chanted over and over to himself as he sat parked in front of the house he had hated for so long and now longed to live in again. His entire body was trembling as he continued to sit there, his heart beating like crazy as the cell phone sitting on the seat beside himbegan to ring. His first thought was that it was Adam calling to tell him to go the fuck away but then he realized it was the ring tone belonging to his mother and he began to breathe again. “ Hi Mama” He answered quickly because as much as he was petrified to enter that house, he was looking forward to seeing Adam after such a long absence despite the outcome. 

"I just wanted to make sure you landed safely because your plane landed over two hours ago and we hadn't heard from you” Kris could hear the playful guilt in her voice and it made him smile because in his rush to get to Adam he had forgotten to call her even though before he had left Alaska he had promised to. 

“I'm sorry…I made it here just fine. The flight was delayed for forty five minutes and then when I got to the rental place they informed me that they had no cars even though I had a reservation” He rambled on, his eyes locked on the front door of the house. For several seconds they sat in silence until he took a deep breathe and spoke words that had never been truer. “I'm so scared Mama” 

“I know you are baby but you really have no reason to be. Adam loves you so much. You both made mistakes and together you will work through them and once you do you will eventually make me a grandmother” She teased and in his head Kris knew that although she was joking there was some truth to her words as well. “Just listen to what he has to say and remember there is nothing the two if you can't work out as long as there is love shared between the two of you”

“I do love him…so much” Kris grinned himself as he thought about just how much he did. 

“You are an amazing man Kristopher Allen. Now go get your man” The call was ended before he could respond but those words alone gave him the courage to exit the car and make his way towards the front door. 

He had no idea if he should just walk in or knock as he stood before the door. He recalled Brad telling him that Adam was still in love with him but after the horrible and mean things he had said to him the last time they had spoken he truly had no idea. Deciding it was better to not just walk in he knocked on the door. After several moments and no answer he decided to just enter the house he used to hate with a passion, finding the door locked he pulled his house key from his pocket and let himself in. 

"Adam” He called out as he entered the house. “Adam” He called out again when he got no response, walking further into the house that looked as if nothing had been changed since he had run off. Guilt, anger and sadness washed over him as he recalled the reason he had left in the first place. Tears burned his eyes as he placed the guitar he had brought with him on the floor behind the couch and went in search of the man he was looking for. “Adam” He tried again as he searched the kitchen and then the back yard before walking towards the bedroom they had once shared. “Adam” He tried one last time as he entered the room and found it empty as well. “Shit” He sighed as he sat down on the bed running his hand along what looked to be a new comforter. It still looked expensive but it brought a smile to his face because it was something that he would have approved of. His smile didn't last for long as he once again remembered why he had destroyed the other one in the first place. Guilt came next because he hadn't realized how hard it was going to be to forgive Adam despite the fact that he really wanted to. Getting up off of the bed he walked back into the living room, plopping down on the couch he had been forbidden to sit on before he left because now it looked as if it was actually being used. Picking up one of the throw pillows he caught a whiff of something familiar as he brought it to his nose and inhaled deeply. Another smile crossed his face as he realized it was Adam’s cologne which proved his theory that the couch had been used and it had been Adam that was using it. Closing his eyes he just allowed the scent to calm him as he recalled just how much he missed smelling it as well as how much he missed Adam. 

“Hey…” He heard Adam’s voice as he opened his eyes and found him sitting across the room from him. “You were sleeping when I got back from my run so I just let you sleep while I took my shower. You looked so peaceful afterwards I didn't want to wake you”

“I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down on the forbidden couch” He tried to tease but at the way Adam’s entire body flinched he knew it had been unsuccessful. “I'm sorry” He countered as he sat up straighter. “I'm sorry about so much” He decided to march forward because he had a lot to say even though he had no idea just how to express it all. “I owe you a huge apology Adam” He went on when Adam just looked at him with confusion written all over his face. “I was just so angry about what I had seen that I never really gave you a chance to explain anything. Don't get me wrong because I still feel I have a right to be angry but I should have actually listened and realized that even though it did happen it really wasn't your fault. I know you Adam and I know you love me” Kris watched as Adam covered his face with his hands and burst into tears. “I knew I was going to fuck this up” Kris rushed out tearfully as he jumped off of the couch and went in search of his guitar. “I've never been good with words except through song so please listen. I hope that it explains everything” Taking a deep breath he poured out his heart to the only man that he would ever love. 

Wish I had another story to tell  
Wish I could sing about anything else  
But every time I sit down  
The only thing that can write a melody and rhyme  
Baby I can't lie  
It's always you

I wish I could think about another pretty face  
One that doesn't make feel this way  
One that if he left me, it wouldn't be the death of me  
I would be just be fine  
But every time  
It's always you

It's always you  
Your name on the tip of my tongue  
It's always you  
You're my favorite place to run  
And I always knew  
My heart was yours to take  
And never mine to give away  
It's always you

So many reasons I could think to pack a bag  
Catch a flight and never look back  
So many places I could see but I'd always rather be  
Just a breath away  
The reason I stay  
It's always you

It's always you  
Your name on the tip of my tongue  
It's always you  
You're my favorite place to run  
And I always knew  
My heart was yours to take  
And never mine to give away  
It's always you  
Oh yeah

It's always you  
Your name on the tip of my tongue  
And it's always you  
Sure as the rising sun  
And I always knew  
My heart was yours to take  
And never mine to give away  
It's always you

Yeah baby, it's always you  
Oh oh baby, it's always you

“I love you Adam so much and I know I don't deserve a second chance but I hope that you can forgive me and…” His words were lost against Adam’s chest as the taller man rushed across the room and pulled him into his arms. 

“Oh god Kris…oh god” He heard Adam murmur against the top of his head as he held him close. “I'm so sorry baby…so sorry. Don't need to forgive you…please forgive me…can't live without you anymore”

“I can't live without you anymore either” He sobbed just as loud as Adam was. “I just can't. I've missed this…being held by you” Kris sighed once the tears had come to an end and they were just holding onto each other. “Adam” Kris said his name when Adam’s entire body went rigid before he walked away from him. “Adam” He said it again as he watched Adam stand off to the side of the room with his back to him. “What's wrong?” 

“When we skyped that night after what happened you told me that you couldn't be with me if I tried to be intimate with you because you would always remember what I did” Adam answered quietly. “I can't take back what happened but I don't know what this means for us now” 

“I know I said that” Kris said as he walked over towards Adam , taking his hand before leading him towards the couch. They sat in silence for a moment as Kris tried to collect his thoughts, fearful that he was going to screw everything up with what he wanted to say next. “I love you Adam” He repeated his earlier words as he laid the hand he still held across his chest. “I can't deny that and I meant what I said earlier about not being able to live without you anymore. With that being said there is still a part of me that feels hurt by by happened. BUT…” He some up louder when Adam once again tried to pull away. “I've been part of this problem as well because I've been so unhappy in this house yet I was afraid to tell you” He put his head down in shame because he knew that if he had only spoken up things would have ended up differently. 

“You were afraid I was going to leave you. You said that you had been waiting for this to happen. Why Kris? I can understand why you hated this house but what made you think that I would ever leave you. Jesus I've been in love with you practically from the first moment you looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes. You are my life. Everything I do in my life is for you because I want you to always be happy. I know I fucked up with what happened but before that I was pretty sure you knew these things” Adam spoke truthfully as he stared deeply into Kris’s eyes. “You were really expecting something like this to happen…expecting me to leave you…to cheat on you. He went on in shock at the guilted sadness he found looking back at him. 

“I know it sounds crazy but you and I are so different not only different but pretty much complete opposites. Look at the men you were dating before me. Tiny, beautiful and full of sparkle. Other then my height I'm nothing like any of those men. I'm not beautiful or glamorous” Kris rushed out as he stumbled off of the couch and away from Adam. “Sure I've finally accepted I'm gay but I'm not fabulous. I'm just plain ole boring me and…” 

“And you are perfect and exactly what I've always wanted. No you don't look like the others I've dated because at the time I was dating those other guys I thought they were what I wanted but the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were exactly what I wanted and needed” He added as he walked over to where Kris stood. “You have to believe me when I tell you that you are my soul mate and the only man I want standing beside me for the rest of my life. 

“I don't know what you see in my Adam Lambert but I do believe you” Kris grinned tearfully at the man he loved with his entire heart. “Can we just agree to forgive each other and move forward in our lives?” He questioned, turning serious for a moment. 

“I can Kris but what about you? Are you still going to be reminded about what I did every time I try and touch you? Because as much as I love you I can't live with the idea of you growing to hate me because you keep reliving what I did every time that I touch you” Adam responded truthfully. 

“I can't say that I won't react every now and then because it's still pretty fresh but I promise you this…I won't make you suffer or pay for what happened ever.. Be patient with me if I seems like I'm uncomfortable but know that I forgive you and that I love you and that I want you to touch me anytime that you want. Please Adam don't ever hesitate to touch me” Kris pleaded as he took Adam's hands and placed them around his hips before leaning up for a kiss. Adam didn't hesitate as the kiss started out as light and hesitant before quickly turning into something that was desperate and needy. 

"So what made you decide to come back?” Adam asked after the kiss erupted into a frenzied love making session. “I was so scared that I wasn't ever going to see you again” He said, a shiver running down his spine at the thought. 

"I saw those pictures of you and your trainer and I kind of freaked out” Kris admitted as he allowed Adam to pull him even closer against his naked body. 

“You know there is nothing between us right?” Adam asked with worry in his voice. “He's just my trainer nothing more”

“I know” Kris assured with a smile and a small kiss. “I called Brad the minute I saw them and he told me that the two of you would be good together and…” 

“He did what?” Adam roared, attempting to leave the bed in search of his cell phone so he could give Brad Bell a piece of his mind. 

“Easy tiger” Kris teased as he pulled Adam back down beside him. “And that it would never happen because you were still in love with me” He finished his sentence. “He did go on to say that eventually you would grow tired of waiting for me to make a decision and move on. Reality kind of hit me between the eyes after that” Kris shrugged as he recalled the panic he felt thinking of Adam with someone else. 

“I would have waited forever Kris because that's how much I love you…how much I need you in my life” He heard Adam say and by the look on his face he believed every word that he had said to be true. “If you want to know the truth I was giving you a few more weeks before I was coming to Alaska for you”

"How did you know I was in Alaska” Kris asked even though he knew the answer. “My mother told you” He surmised. 

“When I called to apologize and explain to them what happened she told me that they were getting ready to meet you there. She wanted me to go to you instead but I was terrified that if I went you would sever ties with me completely. You were so angry the last time I spoke to you” He reminded with such sadness in his voice that it broke Kris’s heart. 

“But I'm not angry anymore” Kris assured with a smile as he cupped the side of Adam’s handsome face. “We have some more talking to do but as I said before I forgive you and I promise that I'm not going anywhere ever again. I love you”

“I love you too” Adam beamed as he leaned in and kissed the man of his dreams, the truth in his eyes proving to him that they would get through what had happened and anything else that life may throw their way. 

The End…


End file.
